Top Tory Tips for dealing with the it’s-nothing-to-do-with-Brexit apocalypse:
Serfs, remember:
1. Eat more dung! We serve it up to you all the time anyway. Just open a bit wider, we’ll keep shovelling it in. And now, thanks to Brexit, we’ll soon have radioactive nutrient-free added-cruelty pile on the air miles dung. Mmm, delicious!
2. Work longer hours. You’ll have to soon enough anyway, as we’re busily removing all your rights. It’s called sovereignty. We’re taking back control!
3. Try not to be so totally and utterly feckless and stupid. At least learn to budget a little and to cook! Mind you, don’t be getting ideas above your station! A good serf always remains dumb enough to vote for us.
4. Keep watching and reading and believing the tycoons’ propaganda. We don’t want you thinking about why – when us Tories have governed for over 75% of the time since WWII – things are so shit for the lower orders. That’s as it should be.
5. Conform and obey. If you don’t we’ll soon have the powers to lock you up in The Tower, like the good old days.
6. Watch Downton and believe it’s history.
7. Celebrate being a subject, as opposed to a citizen. It’s much more fun eating dung and tugging your forelock than it is trying to better your lot in life. Why bother, when the odds are stacked so heavily against you? Just watch TV, gamble a bit, and eat your dung!
8. Leave the big issues to us. We’ll only ask you to vote in a referendum when we’re 100% certain we can stage manage it so you turkeys continue to vote for Christmas.
9. Don’t think about electoral reform. First past the post – mainly practised by us and our former colonies (oh, and that bastion of democracy, Belarus) – has, like the rotten boroughs of our glorious past, served us well.
10. Always vote Conservative. Only we true blue Tories can rid society of such evils as public healthcare, the BBC/C4, basic human rights, and other such commie follies.
Whilst inflation and billionaires’ profits rocket, and ordinary folks’ lives and health regress, only we can be trusted to rob from the many to enrich the few. It’s what we’ve always done. That’s the only way in which we’re truly Conservative.
Give us time and we’ll roll back conditions to the glorious medieval era, or better yet the Dark Ages. It won’t be long before we’re repealing the weekend.
Weekends? What are they, but a dirty worker’s plot to lessen the constant toil that is the true lot of the masses, and which keeps us turds floating up top.
Very good Seb not sure what we can do about it all though. I’m embarrassed to be be British or do I mean English at the moment when you see how we have behaving to those in real need Visawise etc, Uxxx Patel and many others disgust me.
Thanks for commenting, Pops. I agree, Tory attitudes to those in desperate need, fleeing famine and war, are appalling. It’s just populist racist grist to their propaganda machine mills, fodder for their indoctrinated zombie hordes. But what I detest even mor fervently than the crass way they use racism to further their own machinations, is their contempt for their own fellow people. Public school elitism and the cultures that foster and preserve it have a lot to answer for.