I’m lying in bed at 9.30 am. Having been in bed since 7.30 last night. That’s 14 hours in bed. And I feel totally exhausted and unmotivated. Or, rather/perhaps (?), motivated to do as little as possible, until I go out delivering.
Now it seems maybe yesterday’s Do It Now cue-card might be more apt of significant than it felt at the time?
In part at least, I’m struggling with the fall-out, no doubt, of the last 14 months saga. Despite that being officially over now, it’s far from over for me psychologically, alas.
A worrying thought has been fusing in my mind. What if my current malaise isn’t caused by these events, but lies much deeper?
I’d wanted to quit teaching before the everything went pear-shaped. But I had no alternative plan. Delivering for Amazon is supposedly just a stop gap. But I’ve been doing it over a year now.
I’ve struggled with depression pretty much all my adult life. Indeed, prob’ since my mid-teens. But I had started feeling better, just prior to this latest and by far the worst episode.
One of the problems is that the deeper down a dark well you tunnel, the harder it is to see things as they really are. Or so it seems to me. So much so that – like so many people in life – you wind up with a very parochial lack of general awareness. You can’t see the bigger picture.
To use a very apt cliché, you can’t see the wood for the trees.
And then there’s what I’m doing now, trying to think my way out of it all. Is it time I realised that that hasn’t really worked for me,? Looked at over the overall span, thus far, of my life? Has the time come (is it way overdue?), when action should replace thought?
Getting out and doing always leads to things developing or happening in a way thinking alone not only doesn’t, but – through overthinking and confusion – actively works against.
Ulrika! That’s it. Despite the dopey (literally) soporific attraction of what I learned today Gen-Z Tik-Tok-ers are calling ‘bedrotting’, I must – in an attitude of (ironically) mind over mood – get up, get out, get on!