I’ve woken up, at about 3.45 am.
Appalling depressive thoughts crowd my mind. Which is very normal for me. A desire to end my struggles with life by simply throwing in the towel.
I consult my affirmation cue-cards: lots of admonitions to remain calm/enjoy life. Less about how to effectively live it. Might need to address this!
Listening to rain sounds on YT, as normal these days, to help me sleep. At least I’m not dependent on pills.
I reflect on one positive thing – although to parts of my mind it feels like a loss, and an admission of feebleness, etc. – and that’s my cessation of desire for intoxication.
It’s starting to feel, and has for quite some time now, thankfully, that I simply no longer have the desire to medicate my woes by seeking oblivion in booze, or whatever.
I’m fervently hoping that this is indeed a lesson learned.
Then there are patterns. A newly emergent pattern is early waking. What do I do about it? Normally I just try and continue sleep. But now, I’m typing this. And after, I might go back to reading?
Teresa’s taken to leaving a sidelight on in our room. I might need to turn it off, to help me sleep? Small details like this can assume enormous, even terrifying, proportions. When you feel you’re teetering on the brink.