I headed out to work too early by mistake today. So I’ve wound up eating a salad-bar take out salad, from the Stanground Morrisons, in Peterborough, sat in my car.
I’m feeling an awful amount of anxiety at present. For numerous reasons: drank too much last night; didn’t sleep properly; omnipresent financial struggles, etc.
I have a few tools and strategies, and whatnot, for such times. for starters I might call Samaritans, and get a load off my chest by telling the hapless sod on the other end o’ the line all my troubles.
I try and make sure that there’s positivity in the mix, as if I just vent and focus on the bad stuff, it only makes things worse. Today I had a mediocre chat with a lady Samaritan, followed by a longer and better one with a Scots guy on another helpline.
But I’m posting this now because I’m parked up in Peterborough in the cold, the dark, and the rain, all of which seem ‘orrible apt to my baseline mood.
But I’m determined not to let my dad chemistry… er, wow, there’s a Freudian slip… bad chemistry, that should’ve been, overwhelm me! I’ve decided that today, after many, many, many false starts, re trying to control my drinking, I simply have to face the ugly truth, and concede that I’ve lost control.
To re-assert it, I must simply stop drinking any booze whatsoever. Possibly for the rest of my life. But certainly till I’m happier, healthier, and back in control (or at least more control). That pledge, to myself and to Teresa, begins today.
I’m really posting, however, as a note to myself, re these positive affirmation cue-cards I made, and keep in my wallet. I recently printed a new set, as I’d given half of my old set to dad, after one of his booze-fuelled meltdowns.
He and I have discussed getting a set each properly printed, for arse-elves…
On my call to the lady Samaritan, I told her about how I use these – I was looking at them at the time – and the first one I read off to her was ‘Take Time’. Then I read a bunch more.
She suggested, why didn’t I just focus on one card, and really meditate on it. Which is a suggestion I like. And, lo’, on taking the cards out of my wallet ‘Take Time’ is not just the top card, but the top two!
I have duplicates within each set, plus I have a set and a half, due to the reprinting and giving dad some of them. So most are duplicated at least twice, and some of the same cues are yet more plentiful.
So here I am, early for my work shift. Sat in the car, taking time. Hoping that doing so might allay my anxieties! And you know what, I think it’s working. Only mildly perhaps. But that’s still something.
Another thing I do, to finish on a footnote, so to speak, is the Joe Wicks seniors workout I’ve occasionally referred to before. And again, that can help lift my spirits a little. These tools, ‘umble as they may be, are important!